You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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