True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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