You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Randomize
