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There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
