some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
Randomize
