Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
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