I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Randomize
