Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Randomize
