Apparently you make a good broom.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
