I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
The maid of honor just puked.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Randomize
