I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
