It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
Randomize
