How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
I'm both gender and math confused
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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