GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize