cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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