Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Randomize
