If I go to jail what happens to my debt?
You dont have to pay it.
I'm going to jail.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
