Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Randomize
