this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
