hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
