all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
that may or may not have been my penis.
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