could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
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