The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I just found a bag of teeth...
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
