you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
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