last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
