the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
