At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
