Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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