i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
