you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
