The maid of honor just puked.
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
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