an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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