A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
