I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Randomize