I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Cover your peen. We're going out.
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