New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Floor bacon is actually really good
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
