I'm jealous of your bromance
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize