you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
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