So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
me + whiskey = a bad person
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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