Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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