the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
