bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
