and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
i think im in europe. pls send help
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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