ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
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