So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
PANTIES FOUND
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