last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Randomize
