I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize