You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Randomize
