Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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