Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
