There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
We have so much sex to catch up on
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
