Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
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