I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
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