You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Randomize
