I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Randomize