I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
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