We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Randomize
