He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
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