So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Rumble strips road head = magical
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
We need a shit load of segways right now
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
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