My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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