and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Randomize
