he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Randomize
