i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Did I show you my penis last night?
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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