You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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