Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
