dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
I think I am morally bankrupt
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
