You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
A bitchslap is in order.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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