The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Randomize
