god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
We were destined to go to rehab together
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Randomize
