I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
